I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
it was like his penis was on wheels.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
