I swear she didn't look like that last week.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
