Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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