Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
