drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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