when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
