I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
