He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
dude i'm inner monologue high
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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