Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
