My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
