thus making me awesome and them whores
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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