dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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