it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I looked at my own cervix.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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