you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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