So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
