can we get nightvision for the apartment?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
