where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
