last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I think I sprained my soul last night
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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