I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
