If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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