update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
