Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
