I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
