how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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