My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
