And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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