Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
