there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
