five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
