I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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