there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
