i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Too much gin, very little bucket
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
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