So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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