Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
