when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
did i walk over a car last night?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
