Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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