Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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