Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
