Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
