i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My feet surprised me
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