Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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