Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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