I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
