Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
