You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
