My liver just broke up with me...
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
