Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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