Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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