i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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