Is it normal to miss your booty call?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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