your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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