If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
