I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Randomize
