I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
